I find myself at a very odd stage in life right now. At the closing of chapters that are so difficult to let go of, yet at the beginning of others that I’m ready to rush through because I’m so excited. The past 18 weeks have pushed me to really look at my life, who I am, what I believe…those kind of simple questions. Journaling and running have always been my way of dealing with things, but not at the same time. When you grow up with eyes and ears watching 24/7 you learn to deal with a lot of things internally.
Blogs…interesting really…the concept started as a place where one just wrote what they wanted and whoever wanted could follow the meandering thoughts of the writer. That’s what I’m doing tonight. I’m thinking out loud. I’ve found comfort in the thoughts of others. I’ve been challenged by the thoughts of others and I’ve been offended just as often. However, that’s just it…these are MY thoughts. Feel how you may about them. This is who I am and this is where I’m at.
Most of my life I have heard the comment, “they changed their theology” and it was always spoken in a harsh way. After 13 years in Christian school and a bachelor’s degree in Bible…I wonder how one can truly study God’s Word and NOT change some points of their theology. If God is so great and immeasurable how can we finite minds ever know everything there is to know about Him? If the Bible is so deep and it takes scholars years to learn what little they actually know about it then why would one assume that they know so much about the Bible that they have a perfect theology in the first place? It’s a thought that I, at one point, sort of agreed with. But the more I study the Bible the more I realize that I will surely die with incorrect points of theology.
I am realizing how important it is to realize that what we live out IS what we believe. The following statements are not meant to be critical as much as they are HUGE realizations for me. I was taught so much about the Bible. I can argue about any position you’d like. I knew what I was supposed to believe, but it was what I saw that formed who I am, not the knowledge. Growing up in the ministry as a child is without a doubt part of my skewed view of God and the Christian life. (Let me defend this as well. There are HUGE blessings that come with being a ministry kid. This is not a bash of it. However, so often people do not care to hear about struggles that kids in the ministry go through. There are countless book and resources for ministers, but their kids…nope, just a continued push to be okay with whatever happens. I am sharing tonight some of the struggles.) There is often a terrible perception that ministry kids are to be their example. Are the ministers to have their house in order, YES! BUT, that does not mean their children are not human and do not need to be taught what is right and wrong. Growing up there was no learning curve. I found it interesting that when I pushed a rule it was HORRIBLE. Why? Because everyone was watching. What kind of answer is that? It was not okay to make mistakes. I was even told that it was important because others would follow me. Any adult who staked their parenting on what I did has much larger issues that skilled godly men and women need to deal with. Besides, it’s not like I was a cool kid or anything. Who wanted to be like me anyway? I grew up knowing that salvation is by Grace through Faith. However, there was this idea that the more you did and the better you behaved the more God loved you. Though the words would never be used…I grew up inadvertently believing that I was working for my sanctification. Now, this, I’m sure was not the intent, but it’s the reality of what I learned.
You see, I was taught balance in teaching, but…that’s just it BUT! There is no BUT with God. He is perfect and holy AND loving beyond measure. The chief end of man is to glorify God AND enjoy Him forever. How often do we forget the last part of this? I get the idea. There is a fear that if there’s room to enjoy who we are in Christ we might take advantage of that freedom, but isn’t going to the other extreme just as dangerous? God never said to stay close to the law so you don’t go too far. He died to free us from the law! He has asked us to live a balanced life. That may be more difficult than to live under the law for there is no “yes and no” check list. Don’t we need to judge ourselves and other’s godliness by the check list? I wonder why we feel it our need to check others’ godliness. What if we focused on being real with each other and growing in Christ? I’m a black and white person. It’s easy for me to fall into this, but it is something that I am realizing is sin just as much as being too “liberal”. Again, why am I worried about legalism and law? Isn’t my focus to be on God and His precious Book to us? If one is really walking in Christ and in The Word, could it be possible that their life will reflect that without the fear of extremes?
The best example of this to me is from my home, the church where I was raised. It has only been through great heartache that I have realized that there are people who really love me for who I am, no matter what the cost. This is a group of ladies, in particular, who have seen life’s trials, tribulations and triumphs. These ladies have known me since I was small and in all the years of being in the ministry I have never received anything but encouragement from them. They understand that it is not easy being a child in the ministry. The grace in which they have loved me, my brother and the other ministry kids has help me begin to uncloud some of these misconceptions that I have grown up with. They raised their children based on their relationship with Christ not based on the ministry kids. These ladies come from many backgrounds. They do not all have perfect lives, but I think that’s the thing I love. I am so NOT perfect nor will I ever be. At a time when I thought that all love was conditioned upon many things, they have loved me unconditionally. It hasn’t mattered where I’ve gone, what I’ve done right or wrong or what I’ve worn for that matter. They have loved me. The refection of Christ’s immeasurable love for me has been seen to some extent in their lives. It is one of God’s greatest gifts to me in my life. It is what has kept me grounded when I didn’t think it would be possible.
It has been a mixed blessing to find what people are truly friends. I say it’s hard because it always hurts to realize that what was wasn’t real. What has been such a blessing is knowing that there are those friends who are friends for the long road through life. They may be few, but I would rather have a handful of faithful friends than to have a room full of people I don’t really know. God has put several new blessings in my path as well. People who didn’t know me but loved me as Christ demonstrated. They have prayed for me and loved me where I am right now in my life. Next time you look at your ministrer’s kids remember that YOU are reflecting who Christ is to them. It is YOUR life that will form much of their thoughts and beliefs of who God is. Your responsibility before God is the same as their’s: To glorify God and enjoy Him forever!
I have enjoyed so much my time in study lately. God has really opened my eyes to passages that I memorized as a child, but never really understood. My theology has changes as I have grown in The Word. I hope it never stops changing. I love my Savior! He chose to give me life when I was so undeserving. He freed me from the curse of the law. I could never keep it and I am now free to live in Him. I am finally free to dance, I am free to love and I am truly FREE to live for Him. What an amazing blessing God has put in my life. The journey is still hard some days, but the changes it has brought into my life are well worth it all. There are days when, though discouraged, this song just plays in my head. I can sing not because of who I am or where I am, but because of His love for me.